On Being Afraid

"Stripped of your ordinary surroundings, your friends, your daily routines, your refrigerator full of food, your closet full of clothes - with all this taken away, you are forced into direct experience. The thought of such direct experience is ________ (fill in blanks here)"

My Answer: SCARY AS HELL?

When I look up the definition of the word "Scary", I get "frightening or causing fear." When I look up the definition of "Fear", I get "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat."

I sit here and consider these definitions. When I actually take a moment and allow my mind to fast foward 3 1/2 months from now to a time whereby I will have a backpack once again strapped to my exterior, a foreign map in hand... to a time where the security of a well paying job is no longer, where the thoughts of the comforts and predictable grooves of my Ottawa bed are nothing more than a distant memory, and access to a car (Murkle) and the freedom it offered me is a reminder of a life I know longer live... I`m scared.

And yet I am not fearful that I am going to be kidnapped by some hideous chainsaw serial killer who has just been released from prison or of finding myself the victim of some drug bust set up in which I am held captive in some Thai prison on bogus possession charges. Nor am I fearful of being washed away like a flailing speck of sand at the hands of some Southeast Asian tsunami, or of being drifted away in some raging rip tide. The kind of fear I feel in the very depths of my gut is a different kind of fear. Symptoms? It`s that feeling of having all your insides contract together and organs which you never knew existed seem to cry out for help. It`s the feeling that your heart is beating five million beats faster per minute. It`s feeling like breathing is no longer a subconscious body function, but rather an all consuming activity. It`s that feeling that the walls are closing in, that you may have very well lost your mind, or that perhaps your mental health is in question and you ought to be admitted into the nearest Butterscotch Palace. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that you just spent your last dollars at the local Farmer`s Market on a basket of fruit handed to you with a sheet of tin foil covering the goods and toothpicked with a bold neon sign reading "No Refunds." It`s holding out that hope and taking that gamble that removal of the tin foil layer will reveal a basket of luscious and succulent berries gleaming with juiciness, when in actuality, there is always that chance that the basket may reveal in itself a disheartening layer of rancid berries instead.

This type of fear is not new to me.

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On Saturday, September 30, 2006, a younger version of myself about to embark on her first overseas adventure in South Korea as a teacher of English as a Second Language wrote:

"16 hrs until departure...

... My flight departs Halifax in 16hrs... If I smoked, I`d have smoked 2 full packs already today... I thought this day would never come- and so it never felt real... the butterflies arrived late last evening... and they intensify with every passing second...it hasn`t felt real, but now it does... It all happened so slowly.....................yet so FAST!!!..."

"6 hours until departure...AND:

... I`m thinking about how funny it is that we often take things for granted. For two months, I wished the days away... complained that I was bored, that everyone else was up to new and exciting things... And now- I would give anything to have even just one more day of "doing nothing."

... I was wrong. I thought that I would have entered the "I`m excited as hell" stage by this time, but instead, I have gone back to the "I feel like I have ___ hrs to live" stage.
(((Don`t get me wrong- I am not scared to embrace the new.... I`m just so freakin` petrified of having to let go of the old (and familiar...)))

.... I am unable to eat or sleep... I feel as though I have had 10 cups of coffee too many- yet I have had none..."

Similarly, on Monday, December 10, 2007, a slightly older and only mildly wiser Marcella was about to try her hand at another foreign adventure and wrote:

"Remember the movie "Cutting Edge" about the figure skater who goes through partners faster than pantyhose and the hockey player who is so desperate for any kind of a job after he busts his knee in hockey that he actually agrees to be her partner? Remember how despite being on the ice were the best times of his life, Doug was as sick as a dog every time he was about to take the ice?

Even though those thoughts of running through airports, browsing local markets, and job and apartment hunting in a foreign land excite me, with 24 hours remaining until my departure every little ache or pain is sending me into a state of hysteria. This time, the travel countdown has turned me into a bad hypochondriac! " Oh no! What does this backpain mean?" "Quick! Take my blood pressure!- It`s high? Oh Good- at least that means my organs aren`t bleeding out!"

It will soon be time to break out my breathing exercises! (haha?)"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007:

"Is there anything as horrible as starting on a trip? Once you`re off, that`s all right, but the last moments are earthquake and convulsion, and the feeling that you are a snail being pulled off your rock."- Anne Morrow Lindbergh "

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I recall being a small child and always trying to cover up the fact that I was afraid of something. I remember leaving the bedside lamp on at night or sneaking out for an extra bedtime snack to stall bedtime because I didn`t want to admit that watching the night`s ghost show on television had made me too afraid to go to bed alone. It`s funny how as children we are afraid to reveal our weaknesses to others, and yet as adults, we have no problem coming clean with them. I`m afraid of upcoming change. "

And yet here are what the experts tell us. Change is positive because:

1. Change can push people out of their comfort zone, teaches people how to handle new situations and provides opportunities for learning and growth. It provides excitement and adventure in life. It can point them in a new direction that they may not have seen before. It allows people to experience something new and exciting; giving them an opportunity that may not have been present otherwise.

2. Change can provide comfort, knowing that it will come. Especially if someone is not comfortable or happy with their current situation, they can be confident that they can change it or that an opportunity for change will come.

3.Change is empowering. Though a person may not have direct control over the change itself, he does have control over how to react to it, how to handle it and may choose what to do with the change. When a person has choice, they are in control, and everyone always has a choice.

Tonight I find myself sitting in the comforts of my home. I am surrounded by an abundance of plush pillows, wafts of fresh potpourri... and the realization that tomorrow brings with it another day at the secure 9-5 job hours that most people would kill for. Huddled between the comforts of my pillows, I sit amongst them with a tin foil covered basket in hand... waiting... wondering... hoping.

When the tin foil has been removed, and the contents are made known to me, will I be satisfied with what is revealed?