In fact, I spent the majority of my 13th year in a slump.
The adolescent years are freaking weird. For me, they were especially difficult. I was (and still am) a painfully shy and socially awkward kid, who struggled with meeting people and making new friends. One of the coolest homework assignments ever (which also had a huge impact on my life) turned out to be a great coping strategy for me. In my 8th grade English class, we were introduced to the concept of a life list. My teacher made us each fill out a multi-paged form with our personal goals for the future. Over the years, it developed into a 150 goal list, and now takes form as a ragged, well-loved binder that refuses to close. As a dreamy child, travelling the world was one of my greatest fantasies. Now with a life list in hand, at the age of 13, I vowed to someday make it a reality.
Fast Forward 8 years.
I am 21 years old, and am once again dealing with my own personal struggles behind closed doors. Two years earlier, at the age of 19, I arrived at university to begin four years of studying nursing. Within a week, I knew it wasn't going to be the right path for me. Too proud to admit it, and not wanting to be labelled as a quitter, I stuck it out. I have always been extremely uncertain of myself, and my university years made me feel even more insecure. I do not have a competitive bone in my body. Being around so many people who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives, and feeling confident that they would succeed, made me feel inferior and even worse about myself. All I ever knew was that I wanted to see the world. I drowned out my misery by ignoring my textbooks. As a result, I found myself failing in all areas in my life, both personally and academically.
I also found myself back on the floor in the fetal position.
One of my sisters was staying with me for a few weeks at my apartment when she opened my bedroom door and found me this way. I had spent the afternoon crying, and I was a mess. She asked what the matter was with me, and stated that I was turning into one of those crazy people. I replied that I just didn't know who I was anymore. I decided then and there that it was time to do something about my situation. I got up off the floor, changed my status to a part-time student, and used the money saved to enroll with the international organization "Cross-Cultural Solutions." I ended up travelling to Salvador da Bahia, Brazil, where I volunteered at a hospice for infants, children, and adults living with HIV/AIDS. It was a life-changing experience, one of the happiest times in my life, and the key motivator needed to finish my degree.
At the present, I once again find myself in a rut. I am currently in a profession that I have no heart or passion for. With each trip that I take, I feel like I am getting closer to figuring out who I am and what it is that I am suppose to do with my life. Like with most major decisions in my life, while contemplating a year in the world, I often found myself asking "What would my 87 year old self want me to do?" One of my greatest fears is to have regrets in later life, so I often envision my elder self. I want to provide my older self with a lifetime of experiences, memories, photographs, and ramblings, long after my body disintegrates, and my head is full of loose marbles, as a form of nostalgia and entertainment. I strive to fulfill the goals that 13 year old Theresa set out, and on behalf of my 21 year old self, I want to continue to travel because I learnt, at that age, that it is what makes me the happiest.
I am heading out on this journey mostly for my present self, but also for them.
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