9 Reasons Why "I" Will Never Be Cast as "The White Masai"

 1. My spiritual journey in Africa was spent hanging out with the local witch doctors (considered the "quacky outcasts")..............

 .......as opposed to the "real quack," the foreign priest.

 2. My African romances never went as planned. They usually ended up looking like this.........

......as opposed to this.

3. The handsome man went off into the sunset with the other girl........

.....so, we never got to enjoy the view together.

 4. I was usually left to enjoy the African landscape on my own........

.........not exactly what great love stories are made of.

 5. I came across as being a picture posing tourist.............

 .......instead of being the hands-on-down-in-the-dirt local.

 6. I looked absolutely ridiculous in my big floppy sunhat..........

......the smaller, cuter safari hat was just not enough to protect my fair, freckly caucasian skin.

 7. My cow herding, nomadic Masai warrior was never able to provide food for my veganish/vegetarian diet............

.........nor was he able to provide me with a sweet cow-hide shelter.

 8. Only certain types of locals were willing to keep me company on long, overland bus rides.............

.........I never got to participate in long, stimulating conversations.

9. Trying to put all my babies on the plane proved to be a completely chaotic ending.........

.......and not the dramatic, sweet escape by bus that is so typical of Hollywood movies.